Bottom 10 after Week 8 – Nothing beats North Carolina falling
Inspirational thought of the week:
The time has come again, the time of wind and rain,
I walk down the lonely street near my childhood home.
It’s time to say goodbye, there are no more stories to tell.
Time of year when the leaves die and you walk alone down an autumn street crying.
The air has to get cold. Nothing is forever.
— “October Rust” Tears of Magdalena
Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, in a machine room just off the factory floor where Marty Smith’s Schmedium suits are made by a couple of Virginians running their sewing machines on a hi-fi to the beat of Eric Church’s music, we stare in at the end of October. That dangerous time of year when you stare out the window and have to ask yourself two questions at the same time.
Do I keep staring at these leaves so I don’t miss the fall color, because the moment I turn away could be the very moment the leaf changes color or dries up and falls off entirely?
And …
Should I keep staring at these leaves so I don’t miss the fall colors, or should I stop obsessing and, um, leave, because I’ve been sitting here for a month and haven’t paid my bills, eaten, or walked? been going to the toilet since the beginning of October?
This is totally us right now. With #MACtion and the #FunBelt seemingly playing every night of the week, and #Pac12AfterDark and #MountainWildWildWestiness (that last one I made up) until Sunday morning, and all these leagues with only a month to go to play a crucial role in the Playing Bottom 10 To play, we have to “damn, remember that college football isn’t the only thing in the world, especially bad college football!”
Wait…where have we heard that before? And why was it in quotation marks? Oh yes, that’s the last sentence our families shouted before angrily driving away with all their belongings and my wallet. At least that’s what I think they said. I did not listen. It was last Wednesday night and FI(not A)U and Sam Houston had just started their second OT.
With apologies to Ryan Leaf, Arizona State DB Adama caseRichmond Spiders wide receivers coach Winston October and Steve Harvey, here are the top 10 for Week 9.
1. Sam Houston, We Have a Problem (0-7)
How can this team move up to this classification in our calculations despite not participating in a Week 9 contest? Because that Bearkats You can now also exclusively claim the name of America’s only winless college soccer club.
2. Akronmonious (1-7)
Nature is truly amazing, isn’t it? Especially when the universe seems to magically link its timelines together at exactly the perfect time. Like strangers sitting next to each other on a plane and falling in love. Or scientists finding just the right conditions that allow them to make a crucial discovery. Or a bye week added to the college football calendar just before the pillow fight of the week. See: The Zippers lost to Boiling Green 41-14 just before he had a weekend off to prepare for a post-Halloween visit on November 1st…
3. Kent State (1-7)
…these guys who just lost to the Buffalo Bulls Not Bills 24-6 and also have a bye week to prepare. According to the mystically and uncannily accurate FPI computers, this is Golden flashes are the underdogs in the PFOW with a chance of victory of 45.1%. This number was only generated after kicking the side of the machine, banging on the screen and screaming “FPI COMPUTER, WHY AREN’T YOU DOING THIS?!” before we realized the plug had been unplugged so we turned on This outlet was able to charge a Jitterbug phone and a nose hair trimmer.
4. UMeasure (1-7)
And then there are off weekends like the one UMess just enjoyed, recovering from a 63-0 loss to Penn State and sitting on the living room floor counting the $1.6 million it had for the game against Penn State had the TV on watching Penn State gain a 49-yard rushing lead against Ohio State and wondering, “How did we lose to these guys 63-0?”
5. UNC Tar Holes (6-1)
As a native North Carolinian, I have enjoyed a lifetime of enjoying the unique traditions of the Old North State. Like perfectly smoked pork barbecue, shag dancing to Carolina beach music, historical and mysterious tales of the lost colony and the Mecklenburg Declaration of Independence… and a talented UNC football team tripping over its own cleats in the middle of the season to get one to put together another season without a conference title. This has been the norm on Franklin Street since the Carter administration. Jimmy, not Vince. The good news is this heels We have tons of companies in the state of North Carolina that are ranked in the top 10…
6. EC Yew (1-6)
The Pirates I lost the Week 8 pillow fight, largely thanks to the fact that they only had 39 more yards rushing than I did on Saturday. It should be noted that they also had 19 rushing attempts to my zero.
7. Charlotte 2-and-5ers (2-5)
The winner of the game against ECU was this team. But you don’t win the pillow fight of the week and then expect to slip out of that ranking based on style points. They scored no style points. Heck, they only scored 10 actual points.
8. Temple of Death (2-6)
TU of the AAC lost to SMU. SMU is also a member of the AAC but will be in the ACC as soon as possible. After 55-0 loss, SMU’s TU says OMG NVM hopes you leave 4ACC PDQ.
9. Southern missed (1-6)
The golden eagles lost to the South Alabama Redundancies 55-3, the worst conference loss ever for a Southern Miss football team. To make matters worse, Brett Favre stole her day money and used it to buy a new truck.
10. No-vada (1-6)
The previous top/last place finisher Woof pack ended a 16-game losing streak and recorded their first shutout in more than a dozen years. However, they did so with a 6-0 win over a five-loss San Diego State team that had been a regular in the final 10 all season. Dropping Nevada completely from this ranking after that would be like someone celebrating that they asked the homecoming queen out and she just said no instead of saying no while simultaneously pointing, laughing, and holding a chocolate milk skewer in the school cafeteria made. Not that I know what they feel like…
Waiting list: Rod Tidwell’s alma mater, U-Can’t, You A Bee?, the Bearcats with a “c”, every Big Ten school in Indiana, Michigan State Little Brothers, the bottom of both SECs! Departments, way too much planning for your signs to be stolen.
