Inspirational thought of the week:
Tommy has his six strings in his ankle,
Now he’s holding on, even though he used to be so harsh about it
Oooh, it’s hard
Gina dreams of running away
When she cries at night, Tommy whispers, “Baby, it’s okay, one day…”
We have to hold on to what we have
It makes no difference whether we make it or not
We have each other and that’s a lot for love
We will give it a try
Wow, we’re halfway there
Whoa oh, I live on a prayer
– “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi
Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located in the back seat of the 18-wheeler that Jess Sims used to secretly smuggle home a ton of deep-fried honey butter brisket swirls from the State Fair of Texas, we, like you, know this college -Don’t Believe Football is approaching the halfway point of the 2023 season.
For the high-profile, deep-pocketed members of the Top 25, that means it’s time to focus on where they might fit into the national championship picture. For the next level, the B-Listers, it’s about setting an overall win goal that will lead to an invite to a bowl game, any bowl game, even a bowl game sponsored by a website , which sounds a little sketchy, but no one cares as long as it means they get to play another football game.
And then there are our people. The poor but proud ranks of the bottom 10. Being halfway here means living with so many prayers, from trying to figure out how to stuff a door jam into the transfer portal entrance to making sure there are enough detergent pods left are in the box to keep the uniforms clean for the next six weekends. Only to discover that someone has tried to use the detergent pods as door jams and now they’re all piled up on the changing room floor, their cleats far too slippery when wet.
With apologies to Tommy, Gina, John Francis Bongiovi and Steve Harvey, here are the top 10 after week 6.
1. No Vada (0-5)
The good news? The Wolf Pack had a much needed bye weekend. The bad news? They still failed to erase their six-point lead over Open Date U’s Fightin’ Byes.
2. Sam Houston State, we have a problem (0-5)
The Bearkats I can’t take a break. After collapsing in OT against fellow FBS newcomer Jacksonville State, the Kats swept undefeated Liberty, who came back from a halftime rut to seize control of the contest.
3. Akronmonious (1-5)
Over in #MACtion Land, the teams’ round-robin tournament began with a win in Ernest, as Akron was defeated by North Ill-ugh-noise 55-14, 55-14. And we mean Ernest, not serious, like in an old 1980s VHS movie you might find in your parents’ attic: “Ernest Goes To.” Akron. “Hey, Vern, they make tires here. I wonder if they’re tired of losing? Do you understand what I mean?”
4. UMeasure (1-6)
Speaking of #MAAction, that Minuet men returned to the league they once competed in, only to be defeated by the Rockets of Toledo 41-24. Now it’s on to Happy Valley, where the mysteriously and mystically accurate ESPN FPI computers say UMass has a 1% chance of beating Penn State, proving that in the looming battle against AI for control of ours Planet may still have hope for us. Even the cold, heartless computers looked at this duel and said (read this with your best WarGames digitization of Joshua): “Let’s not be too mean. We give them a pity point.”
5. The Yew (4-1)
Putt Miami The coveted fifth place this week was the easiest and most obvious decision that could have been made in this situation. You know, it’s like getting on your knees to run out the time with 35 seconds left.
6. Stanfird (1-5)
Kudos to Week 2 when we all saw that Cardinals 56-10 loss to USC and thought that was exactly how it was supposed to go, but now we realize that no matter how bad you are, you are still absolutely expected to score at will against the Trojans and keep them up at the end makes you sweat last moments if Caleb Williams has to stop filming TV commercials and save the day again.
7. Charlotte 1-and-4’ers (1-4)
The Niners I didn’t play a game in Week 6 and there are members of the entire American Athletic Conference of American Athletics, as well as those in my home state of North Carolina, who believe that spot should belong to another AAC Carolinas-based team, the EC- Yew Pirates. My answer is twofold. First, this will be resolved in two weeks when ECU hosts Charlotte. Second, if you think about it, both teams are actually represented here because Charlotte’s head coach Biff Poggi hails from Baltimore, once dubbed the “Pirate’s Nest,” and the way he walks around with the sleeves ripped off his shirts totally looks it looks like he could be Jack Sparrow’s first officer. The former hedge fund hero even has a chest full of gold.
8. The Pitt and the Pendulum (1-4)
Just two years ago, Pitt was in the ACC championship game Kenny Pickett behind the middle. According to anonymous sources reporting to the Bottom 10 JortsCenter, Panthers head coach Pat Narduzzi has now been caught on surveillance cameras at Acrisure Stadium dragging Pickett’s belongings from the Steelers’ locker room down the hallway back to the Pitt’s locker room.
9. Southern missed (1-5)
This point came in the way the golden eagles and their neighbors to the north, Muddled Tennessee. We’d like to tell you that we sifted through mountains of data points to finally land on USM over MTSU, but honestly, what it came down to was that when we wrote this on Tuesday night, MTSU had a game and we were far from it I’m too lazy to wait for this to be over. Also, Brett Favre said he would build us a new arena.
10. San No-se State (1-5)
The Spartans, not Trojans Boise State led 27-7 late in the first half and took a six-point lead into the fourth quarter before being mesmerized by the blue turf and losing 35-27. This means that this ranking will be booked by Mountain West teams that are not currently scheduled to participate. That’s why we’re already working with ESPN Events to plan a postseason contest called No-vada vs. San No-se State No Bowl, hosted by NoDoz, No Name Foods, James Bond’s “Dr. No” and my old college friend.
Waiting list: U-Can’t, Muddled Tennessee, UTEPid, Kent State, Baller State, Rod Tidwell’s alma mater, Thrawn.